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nothings

There is no question of how much I love you, how deeply in love with you I am. And usually, I can tell you love me too. A whole lot. This is all new, the intensity, everything that you are and we are. But I don’t know how much more I can take. The extent to which your self hate leads you to take certain actions or make certain decisions, or maybe the complete opposite: the lack of actions or decisions. The growing apathy and what it does to us. I don’t want to walk. There’s too much at stake, so much to lose. But right now I’m also losing my sanity. I’m losing my self in what this is becoming and what it’s doing to me. I love you to death. Please get your shit together. Please wake up.

Sometimes I come back to this space because I genuinely feel like I have nowhere to turn.  Nights like this it’s incredibly obvious, sitting in a house where one is most definitely ignoring the fact that I’m crying, and I’m not sure what the other is doing simply because they don’t really talk to me about much of anything anymore.  Truthfully, it’s gotten to the point where the latter just closed their bedroom door, and the latter walked away and shut themselves in the bedroom.  All because I’m crying.  This is what I live with.  It’s no wonder I feel so fucking alone.

Sometimes it all comes to a head, this feeling of being incredibly overwhelmed and feeling like I’m fighting for myself and those around me, but I’m fighting alone.  Sometimes everything feels incredibly pointless.  Lately I feel so overwhelmed I don’t know if I should cry, or scream, or curl into a ball and cease to function, or just keep pushing forward.  It’s usually the latter, but I can’t tell you how hard it is and how tired I am.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one that cares about so many things while I’m surrounded by apathy.  There are times I want to just give up.  If nobody else cares to advocate, then why should I?  Why am I wasting my limited energy when no one else will spend theirs?  Why do I give more than I have when I’m just giving alone?  Just because I’m higher functioning doesn’t mean I’m okay.  I often wonder what it takes to make people realize that.  Seriously?  Is anyone listening?

I spent a few hours in a training on intimate abuse today and kept running previous relationships of mine through my head over and over again.  The shit they said and did.  The fact that I was so fucking stupid to stay, and stay, and stay, and not have the self respect to avoid those situations to begin with, or walk away sooner.  Needless to say I really could have stood to talk to someone after this.  But there’s no point in even fucking bothering with that.  I love my friends, but I really just don’t bother with most of them anymore.  I gave up on one a few years back when she started to build her own life and didn’t really need me anymore.  I’ve slowly begun to give up on another.  She’s great to talk to, but constantly bails on me whenever we make plans.  Like, every single time for years.  I’ve heard over the years how she’s hung out with coworkers she supposedly couldn’t stand, and yet she’s bailed on me more times than I can count on one hand.  Another dear friend is also going through a lot of heavy shit and doesn’t always look at her phone, so I understand when she doesn’t respond.

I’m at a point where I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.  My depression is worse than it’s been in quite some time.  My meds aren’t working.  I swear to god my tubal ligation fucked me up.  My doctor says other women experience this too, but there’s no  research to support it and it’s already done so basically, oh well.

To top it off, I feel more lonely than I’ve felt in a long time.  Two other people around who literally close doors to me crying in the other room.  Two people who I’ve been there for, and who’ve put me through shit in one way or another with their own whatever.  I don’t know where to turn or who to call.  So here I am again, typing into the void.

 

I’ve recently started reading the book “The Holy Wild: A Heathen Bible for the Untamed Woman” by Danielle Dulsky.  I really love this book.  It inspires similar feelings in me as “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  The latter is one of my favorite books, if not my favorite.  The former is becoming a favorite.  I bought it while in Buffalo, NY with my fiance.  I believe a friend of mine was reading it so it was already in my mind that I needed to check it out.

Anyway, this letter uses prompts from the book.  It suggests writing it to your younger self and being the loving, encouraging elder we needed when we were going through shit.  I have a hard time writing letters or words of encouragement to my younger or more naive self.  I definitely kept my former self in mind, particularly, the experiences I’ve gone through over the last four years.  But I also thought of other women and how I’d like to encourage them.  I hope you find some hope, and maybe even healing, in what I’ve written.  The prompts will start a new paragraph and be the sentences immediately before the ellipses.

Handwritten Verses: A Letter Sent to Eden

Dear Priestess of the Wild Earth,

I understand the pain of this garden you find yourself in, and I promise…things will slowly come together.  It will take time.  Things won’t always be like this.  You’ve grown so used to how things are that you don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but you can feel that something is amiss.  You have so many opportunities ahead of you for growth, for finding yourself.  So many experiences, beautiful and painful, lie ahead of you.  Please remember that you’ll get through this.  The painful experiences will fucking suck, but they are exactly what’s needed to help you grow into the person you want to be.  These experiences will open your eyes.

Always remember that you are…strong.  You are courageous.  You are more resilient that you think.  

These are days when you find yourself searching for the Tree of Knowledge; look for it in…your discomfort.  Your rebellious spirit.  Slowly living.  Being present with what you feel and learning from it rather than burying it.  You’ll find it in your longings, the actions that you want to take that you know are wrong.  Listen to your gut instincts.  And when you don’t, learn to quickly forgive yourself and learn from what happened.

In this moment, I can offer you this one, single hope:…you will find a way.  You will slowly learn to stop hating your own company.  You’ll learn to enjoy your solitude.  You’ll begin to respect yourself.  You’ll learn that you are creative and you’ll find a way to survive.

May you always remember the sheer beauty you are, and may you grow to be…a wise, confident, strong, and humble woman who knows the sound of her own voice and lives her truth.

With love,

An Elder Priestess

 

 

Catharsis

It’s strange this is what it takes to finally make me be able to cry. The right music, downing a couple strong beers, and a lot of thinking about everything. I’m overwhelmed with grief and gratitude for everything that’s happened. Everything. The last four years. My entire life.

No worries friends. I’ve switched therapists and see a new one soon. I definitely need a new perspective and I need some help. A lot has happened recently that I don’t talk about. I fear I’m developing PTSD from everything. My job at the psych hospital and things that have happened. From things in my personal life. I’m so on edge. So many nightmares, so jumpy. I’ll get there. We’ll get there. Please remember that.

Hey woman

Hey woman

Yeah you, the one speaking these words

Do you think you can try to look at your reflection without so much disgust in your eyes?

Seeing the new weight, the result of taking pills because you didn’t (and don’t) want kids

It seems impossible to lose now

This body gets you places, it helps you bust ass at work

And takes you for hikes

And allows you to support your loved ones

Your body is healthy

As you grow older you’ll likely see new features you won’t like

So see what you’re working with and all that you do with a sense of compassion

Learn to stop hating your reflection

Hey woman

You’ve made some mistakes in the past

Some great big, shameful mistakes you’d rather forget

And you know you wouldn’t repeat them

And you’d do everything so much different now

But those mistakes, like it or not, helped you grow into the empathetic, understanding, forgiving person you are now

You will keep making more mistakes

And you will need to learn to live with all the pieces of yourself, past and present

Hey woman

You who postures, who puts on a hard face in the hopes that people will respect you

Or leave you alone

It’s not fair to your peaceful soul to let this sad, angry world harden you

It’s okay to take care of you, but it’s not okay to turn to stone

You are not an island

Your heart was built with love, and it wants to share it

Honor who you are

Hey woman

Be what you are, experience what you have

Unapologeticly

This world won’t be kind to you, so you must be kind to yourself

Dear woman

You need you now more than ever

Keep fighting

Keep going

Keep smiling

reasons to be quiet

As time goes on I find I’m keeping to myself more and more.  This applies to many things, even things I’m pretty upset by.  I’m much more quiet on social media, except for sharing memories (mainly).  Those who’ve been paying attention over the years are probably grateful for this.  I used to be pretty annoying.

Social media aside, I’m more quiet in my interactions with others.  Over recent months I’ve found myself withdrawing more and more from everyone.  Family, friends, coworkers.  I can’t quite put my finger on what the problem is, though I think I’m starting to get some insight.

Truthfully, I’ve always been kinda quiet.  It frustrates me that a lot of people have assumed I’m pissed, unapproachable, sad, angry, or just plain dumb, because I don’t talk much.  Some people have made it incredibly obvious this is what they think of me by how they talk to me.  I think women are also expected to be more talkative, smiley, ditsy.  Hell with that.  It’s mildly frustrating, sometimes moreso than others.  I’ve also never been into small talk, or just talking for the sake of talking.  I prefer to listen, and if I’m not interested in what a group of people is talking about then I’ll probably just do my own thing.  Especially at work.  I’ve always been this way, but I’ve also always been of the mindset I’m getting paid to work and provide a service, not socialize.  So I  have a hard time letting myself chill.  My parents are the same way and I definitely think they instilled this in me.  They bust ass.

Lately, I think my silence has a lot more to do with trying to conserve energy.  Simply put, I have absolutely no fucking energy.  It’s gotten to the point that I think something is physically wrong with me.  I had some blood work done and everything came back normal.  I should be happy about this, and sure, I’m grateful.  But I feel it reinforces this idea that it’s all in my head.  This isn’t the first time I’ve gone in for the same exact issue.  When I went in, my doctor did suggest that if everything was normal we could do some other testing, and a sleep study is one of the things she suggested.

I know I’ve previously had dreams I was choking or had difficulty breathing, and I’ve woken myself up with a choking feeling before.  After one such dream I actually woke up with chest pain.  It’s worse when I’m sick.  I’ve blamed it on being sick, or reflux issues.  But I’m starting to wonder.  For the hell of it I asked my fiance this morning if he ever notices me struggling to breathe at night, and the answer was a wholehearted yes.  Apparently last night was bad.  And while it doesn’t happen all the time, it happens “often enough” according to him, and it happens regardless of sleep position (though it’s worse when I’m on my back).  This is about all I needed to hear, and the nurse on the phone at my doctor’s office felt the same.  So, I’m going in later this week to do a questionnaire for when I have a sleep study done.  I just want answers.  I can sleep 6-8 hours a night and feel dead.  I can sleep 11-12 hours like I did last night and still feel dead.  I feel like a zombie all the time.  Something is wrong.

That said, there’s honestly just a lot going on in my life right now.  I don’t want to get into it here, but there have been many challenges and I’m just trying to find a balance between managing all of that and still taking care of my mental health.  I had a good conversation with my boss yesterday and, knowing me, he talked about how this is good weather to go out under a tree with my journal.  I took his advice and went to the beach with my journal, my dog, and Khalil Gibran’s “The Prophet”, which my sweetie recommended I read.  It was a much needed hike, and even more needed therapy session for myself.  I found some answers, and made some scary (and obvious) realizations.  I’ve lost my joy.  Something, somewhere has gone very wrong with me in recent times.

I’ve honestly been hating the direction I’m going.  I’ve been becoming increasingly depressed, incredibly anxious (very jumpy), and more irritable.  I have an incredibly hard time slowing down, but if I let myself rest then my energy is gone.  The physical and emotional exhaustion sets in.  I’ve found myself becoming very apathetic about things I used to care about more.  I kinda feel like I’m becoming a different person and I don’t know how to explain it.  I’m so tired I feel like I have fewer fucks to give.  I/we have many angels in our lives who are being here for us as individuals and as a couple, they are helping us in whatever way they can.  I’m so grateful for these people.  There are other people in my life who make things much harder with their bad attitudes and their laziness, and I wish they would fuck right off, but it’s completely out of my control.  So, I try to stay cool and keep my reactions in check and not be aggressive, or passive aggressive.  But I’m only human, too, and shit’s getting harder to deal with every day.

So yes, I’m quiet.  I keep to myself.  Sometimes I probably wear shit on my sleeve even though I don’t mean to.  And when people ask if I’m okay, I usually say yes but it’s a wholehearted no.  I’m not okay.  Far from it.  But it takes too much energy to talk about.  I don’t want to talk about it, and I don’t need to be the center of attention.  I don’t need to be “that person”, even though sometimes I feel like I already am.  It’s easier to just keep moving and keep quiet unless I feel safe and truly believe someone really has my back.  I know we all have shit, and there are surely people in my presence every day that have way more going on than I would have guessed.  I wish more people kept this in mind.  We have a responsibility to each other.  I hope for answers soon.  I need to move forward and it gets more difficult every day.

remember your dreams

Maybe you’ve been unlucky.  Or depending on your outlook, maybe you’ve been fortunate.  Life jolted you awake, shit happened, and you remembered what happens when you build your life around someone else.  Everything you knew changed.

Three years ago tomorrow I decided my marriage was over and I would file for divorce.

My partner and I have been discussing marriage for a while now, and we decided it’s time to start planning.  So, we called ourselves “engaged” and decided to tell everyone.  It’s exciting, though I’m in no hurry.  I’ve learned what independence feels like.  I’ve learned who I am.  I’m still learning.  And I’m discovering what I’m capable of and what my dreams are.  Life is a journey.  Why rush it?  Just enjoy the ride.

That’s one of the most important lessons I’ve learned.  Don’t force yourself into anything.  Take your time.  Discover where your passions are and try to enjoy where you are, even if it’s not where you ultimately want to be.

One of my biggest fears has been falling into old habits, namely, building my life around someone else and their dreams while letting mine take a back seat.  I don’t ever want to make that mistake again.  Things are different now in the sense that I work full time, and I didn’t used to.  My ex was actually pretty financially supportive.  That’s a role I’ve stepped into now, and it’s challenging because I don’t make a lot and I have many debts hanging above my head and many repairs and projects I need to complete.  These aren’t just my goals, these are my dreams.  And someday I will move away from psych and ideally work with animals and wildlife.  Hopefully.  Who knows, but I know I would love this.  That’s where my passion lies.

So while my life moves forward, I try to keep in mind that I need to take care of myself and my own dreams, too.  Take time out for me and the things I want to do.  Save resources for myself.  Make happen the things I’ve wanted to have happen for years but they never did, because I was too busy depending and waiting on someone else.

No more.  I’m in control of my own life.  Shit may happen that I can’t control, and then I can only control how I manage it.  I’m not powerless, and neither are you.  At the end of the day, and the end of our lives, we have to answer to ourselves.

In the lyrics of a song by Ani Difranco, she counts down, says you’re done for good, and asks “did you do all you could?”  I want to be able to say yes.  It’s my life, god damn it.  No one else will live it for me.  It’s the only thing I have that’s all mine.  And I want to do all I can.  I want to realize my dreams and make them reality, with whatever limited resources I have available.  I’ll have to be creative, but life and growth is all about creativity.  We’re in it together.