Depression is a Disease of Civilization

Amazing video. A “must see” for anyone struggling with depression and anyone who loves someone who struggles with it. In other words, all of us.

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what I’m thankful for in this moment

I am thankful for such a loving and patient husband.  I am thankful that he has taken the time to read a “safe space visualization” exercise to me out of my DBT book that, unexpectedly, moved me to experience feelings I have been pushing away and afraid to come to terms with.  This safe space is all my own and not something I want to share except for with those I trust, but it represents a place from my past.  A place that I find myself saying “I will miss” when, in reality, I have been missing it a long time.  A place that I have so many memories of I cannot keep them straight and they all blend together.  A place where my love of the outdoors originated.  A place that I am afraid to experience in my memories and to experience as a “safe place” because of the hurt that comes along with it, the baggage, the knowing that this is a place that in the physical sense is no longer a place I can return and experience in that way anymore.  For years I haven’t been able to.  And I’m thankful for my husband’s wisdom to tell me that my memories are my own and no one can take those from me.  What a revelation that is…so obvious, simple, and true, and yet, it has been so hard to realize this without him saying it first.  But he’s right.  I can experience those memories, and no one can take those away, though the physical location has been taken (or at least, my ability to be there).  The memories remain, the place itself remains, and it’s okay to remember and process this, to miss it, to experience it, and to remember all of the good, the bad, the painful, everything.  It’s okay to remember it for what it was and what it still is.  And it’s okay to feel pain, but it’s also okay to think of it as a place of growing.  It’s okay to think of it as a place of change.  It’s okay.  It’s all okay, or at least it will be someday.  After all, everything about this place made me who I am.  I am thankful to be able to reflect on this.  I am thankful for the pain I feel now because, in a strange way, it brings me peace.  I’m moving closer to accepting a reality I cannot change.  I am thankful for a loving, patient, and insightful husband.  I am thankful for my dad and his wisdom in this situation.  I am thankful that I have this moment and the safe space I am in now to reflect on all of this.  I am thankful that we are (and have been) running short on money.  Wasteful as it sounds, we used to go out more on weekend nights like this and be someplace, anywhere but here, but home.  I couldn’t stand the walls, the quiet, the sobriety.  I wanted to be somewhere else, and preferably drinking so that I didn’t feel all of the anxiety that continues to build day after day, week after week, year after year.  I’m tired of running from it.  Circumstances, and quite honestly wanting to be healthier in many ways, has brought me right here to this moment.  I am so thankful for this home, for my family, and for this moment.  I am thankful for this safe space, and for my memories of the “safe space” I return to in my mind when I need to feel at peace, a place that will always be a part of me no matter what happens in the physical world.  No one can take away what I hold in my mind and in my heart.

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Life lessons (most learned the hard way)

In no particular order, I felt like sharing some “life lessons” I have  learned.  Some are more recent, some in the past.  Learn from my experiences, share your own if you like.

1. Learn to forgive those who have hurt you or someone you love.  It’s not always easy, but it truly does hurt you more if you hold on to past hurts.  Forgiving them doesn’t mean condoning what they did or being a doormat.  Learn from the past and take care of yourself, keep a safe distance if needed to keep from being hurt again.  But don’t stay mad.  It serves no purpose.
2. Avoid holding grudges against people (see above).  It serves no purpose and leads to a world of hurt should their lives end before yours.  Regret is a bitch.
3. Learn to forgive yourself.  Forgiving yourself does not mean condoning something you have done that was wrong.  It means learning from your mistakes and giving yourself permission to leave the past in the past.  This will not only be good for you, but for those around you.
4. If you love someone, if they mean the world to you, whatever it is, tell them.  Pick up the phone or meet them for coffee or something.  Just tell them.  You never know when you won’t ever have the chance to tell them again.  Again, regret is a bitch.
5. Don’t waste your time arguing with people, particularly on the internet.  If you allow it, you can waste hours of your life doing this and get absolutely nowhere.  It’s pointless and does nothing to further the cause you are arguing about.
6. Trust your gut instincts about people.  If you suspect someone is trying to use you, play you, or somehow attempt to take advantage of you in some way, get the hell away from them as soon as possible.  That gut instinct is almost always right.
7. Learn who your real friends are.  If someone chooses to spend time with you when you are doing great and they need someone to talk to about their problems or want someone to have fun with, but then neglect to be there for you when you aren’t at your best (and actually seem to go out of their way to avoid you when they know you’re hurting) then they aren’t really your friend.
8. If you see injustice, do something.
9. If it is safe to do so, stand up for yourself when someone hurts you (if it isn’t safe, get out of that situation if you can).  It sucks when someone hurts you, especially when it’s someone you love.  Sometimes people we love will project their own insecurities, hurts, unresolved issues, and anger on to us.  This isn’t healthy for anyone involved.  It’s healthy to speak up when it happens instead of allowing it to continue.  If it continues and the relationship(s) with those who hurt you continue to be toxic, it’s okay to put space there.  Just remember to forgive and not hold a grudge.
10. On a similar note, if you are having a heated discussion with someone, feel under attack, etc., and feel like mentally you need to take a “break” and back away from the conversation/argument for a bit to cool down, then do so if you are able.  It may piss off the person you are talking to, but that is their problem.  They would be more pissed off if you didn’t “take a break” and then blew up at them because you became too overwhelmed.  It’s okay to take a break and set healthy boundaries.
11. Take time for self-care.  If you take on more than you think you can handle, or you feel ill mentally and/or physically, you need to take care of yourself.  If you don’t, you will most definitely reach burnout.  If you continue to neglect yourself, you will continue to reach burnout quicker and quicker.  Your mind/body must be respected.  Eat healthy if you can afford to do so and have access to healthy food.  Meditate, journal, color, draw, play an instrument.
12. Avoid alcohol/drugs as a coping mechanism.  When you sober up or when the buzz is gone, all of the pain you were trying to escape will still be there.  You will save money, you will improve your health, you will avoid potential disasters, and your time would be better spent learning coping mechanisms that can help you get through a crisis instead of potentially making it worse.
13. Always be willing to examine your own beliefs and behavior.  Be willing to change what you believe.  Be willing to apologize.  Be humble.
14. Breathe.  Just breathe.
15. Don’t wallow in self-pity.  Most of the time, there are others who have it worse.  So many people don’t have the luxury of food, water, a home, etc.  Focus on what you can do for others instead of focusing on yourself.
16. Avoid comparing yourself to others.  Some people are better at certain things than others.  Some are stronger than others.  Do the best you can with what you have and leave it at that.

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