I try to get in touch with the season. I read about it. I must romanticize about it, too, because my god the work of it is a bitch. Jake told me today that I need to be nicer to myself, that I need to just let myself be, just like bears who hibernate this time of year. Except he had his own way of telling me. And I needed to hear it.
We had some other very relevant conversations, too, namely about community and relationships and our own hypocrisy when we’re actually out amongst humanity. We ran to the store in spite of the weather, and I kept this conversation in mind throughout multiple annoyances while we were out. The work is always a bitch.
My spirituality is very important to me. And a lot of self-reflection, as well as conversations with Jake, remind me of how hypocritical I still am. I just feel like I spend a lot of time in quiet reflection, but when it comes to actually practicing what I believe, it’s so damn hard. I guess that’s kinda the point though, right? Growth isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy. I’m human I guess. I’m worlds better than I used to be. I suppose there’s a reason enlightenment isn’t necessarily achievable until we’re dead.
I’ve had exactly 3 potdots, and I can’t tell if it’s helping or hurting my current mental state. Depression has been rough lately. I thought it was hormonally-induced, and while it’s improved since getting my period, something is still very wrong. I’m struggling with different life stressors that I don’t want to get into here. I feel incredibly fucked in certain ways. The nature of living under capitalism. I don’t know if I’ll make it out alive. Then again, I guess none of us will.
Anyway…
Stillness. Something I could desperately use. As I’ve learned though through numerous teachings I’ve listened to (and real life), the harder we fight something the less likely we are to avoid it. For instance, I can’t resist and fight against my internal pain and suffering and expect to suddenly feel better. ”What you resist persists.” I have to be with it, stare it in the face, learn what it really feels like, and accept it as a lovely guest and have zero expectations of it staying or going. And while doing that, remember: everything is impermanent. The good. The bad. So just embrace my ability to feel and self-reflect and call it a day.
I need to write more often when I’m stoned. I feel like I can articulate my thoughts in a way I usually can’t. It’s a great feeling.
If I haven’t been clear in previous posts, vet tech school really did me in. Working full-time (third shift no less), full-time internship, full-time classes, full-time homework, all at the same time. It’s been almost two years since I graduated and I still feel stuck. I desperately need to get unstuck. Maybe this year will be my year.
I do have a good feeling about 2024. I have a different job now. I work a different shift, and have a mostly normal sleep schedule. I have something of a routine. My spirituality is strengthening. I’m meeting new people and seeking out new experiences…though follow-through will be important. I’m trying.
As you can probably gather, I can’t slow my mind down. Just like everyone else I’m sure. Maybe I shouldn’t even think about trying to. Just let the thoughts come and go, like leaves in the wind, like ripples in a pond, like leaves on a river, like clouds in the sky. Come and go. Everything is impermanent.
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