Ghosts

Do you ever look back and think, I miss you?

The person I used to be

The ghosts of people who once were

Alive but no longer

Alive but not living

Alive, but who are they now?

Who am I?

A shell of who I used to be

A walking, living, breathing ghost

I stopped drinking and I struggled with my feelings

Now I can only feel when I drink

All I want is to feel alive again

To feel anything but complete and utter exhaustion with existence

Anything but sadness that never goes away

Joy comes and goes, but the madness always stays

I stop and think of who I used to be, and I wonder

Is she still in there?

Will I ever see her again?

I miss what it was like to feel free

To feel like I knew who I was

To feel like I stood for something

To feel like life meant something more than just trying to survive

And I hope I’m still here

I hope I’ll find myself again

I hope to be more than a shell of who I used to be

Sometimes hope is all that’s left

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Graduation is coming!

I’m sharing a copy of my Facebook status from yesterday. I graduate on May 14 with an AAS in Veterinary Technology, and once I get my transcripts I can schedule the VTNE. This is a hell of an accomplishment for me. So excited 💓 those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while know how much I’ve previously struggled with my mental health. This goes to show that recovery is possible. Keep fighting.

I did it, guys! I finished vet tech school! This is a testament to what can be accomplished when one’s mental health is under control. It may get a little TLDR here for some of you, but I really feel like talking about this a bit. I tend to be pretty open about my own mental health not only to help others feel less alone, but I think it’s important to fight the stigma that exists around openly discussing mental health issues. I went to school for sociology and psychology the first time around, and not only did I love these subjects, but psychology was very personal for me and my family. This topic will always be near and dear to me, in spite of my change in fields.

For those of you who’ve known me a while, you know how unmanaged my anxiety and depression used to be. I struggled a lot, and while I’d given meds a try, nothing ever worked. I’d pretty much given up hope of ever finding some relief.

In 2016, I started going back to school to be a vet tech. Then my marriage imploded after being together nearly 13 years. I was a mess, and after six months in school I decided to drop out. I figured I’d never go back.

A lot more happened between then and now to bring me here, not to mention getting on meds, and having a bunch of other big things happen in my life…and not always good things. I grew up a lot, and I decided in 2020 (or the end of 2019?) to go back to school.

At some point before school started, I made the mistake of going off my meds in order to lose weight. I did it slowly, under the direction of my doctor, but it was still awful. I remember school starting and feeling crushed under the weight of anxiety. I was just leaving my job after working in psych for eight years, and was going through a lot of transitions at once. I felt the old familiar self-hate, self-doubt, hopelessness, you name it. I felt I was making a big mistake in going back to school, I’d never be able to pull this off. I talked to my professor and asked her, is this possible? Is it possible to work full-time while getting this degree? She put me in touch with some students who were already in the program. All but one told me I needed to prioritize school over work. I thought that was easy for them to say…they didn’t have to pay my bills. But one person told me she was working a full-time job and a part-time job, and she was proof it could be done.

I held on to that. I got back on my meds. I kept working full-time. I busted my ass in school.

Before going back to school, and before going off my meds, I was actually hospitalized for my depression for the first time, in April 2020. I remember talking to one of my nurses about wanting to go back to school, and wondering if I could handle it. She was a self-identified perfectionist, like me, and told me she had to learn to be okay with “living out of her dryer” when she went to nursing school while working. Now that I’ve gone through it, I get it. I’ve put on more weight. I stopped exercising. My house is a mess. I’ve learned to live out of the dishwasher, the dryer, and sleep in public places between work and school.

But, I’m getting by. Last I checked (before this semester), I had a 3.8 GPA. It should still be pretty close to that once I graduate. Besides the responsibilities of class work, I also took on being class president, as well as a student ambassador. I really put a lot on myself, but I got through.

I just finished one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I share my history because I want to make clear how much of a fucking miracle this was for me, given where I’ve been. I survived. I worked roughly 70 hours a week the last couple of months between a full-time job and full-time internship. I worked so hard for this. And mentally, I stayed in tact. Oh, and I also got sober from alcohol during this time. I would have been sober for one year as of this past February, but I drank once in November. Still…over a year with only one drink when it used to be a problem for me is yet another huge accomplishment.

I’m forever grateful to all those who’ve supported me. My family. My patient sweetie. My friends, including my roommate who was one of my cheerleaders before I went back, and who’s help with rent helped make it possible for me to work the minimum number of hours required to stay full-time. My mentors, including my professors. I’ve had so much love and support, and I really don’t know if I could have done this without everyone.

Keep fighting guys. Recovery is possible. Reaching the seemingly unreachable is possible. I’m so fucking happy. I made it.

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Getting sober

Today is twelve days sober. My last “record” was thirteen days. I’m going to meetings. As of last night, I have a sponsor. Now, I just need the big book and a workbook, but all my money for the next week is reserved for food, gas, and laundry so it’ll have to wait.

When I first admitted my problem publicly, a friend recommended a video on “grey area drinking”. I could definitely relate. It was becoming a bigger problem for me, and I was taking stupid risks I’d rather not share here.

I’ve felt kinda stupid even calling myself an alcoholic. I still have my shit together…my home, car, bills paid, working on my debts, I’m alive, etc etc. I haven’t lost everything. But my risk taking could have quickly changed that. I just got lucky.

I recently heard someone else’s story, and they had the same guilt as me over this, and they’re also a high achiever. But they said, “I earned my place here”. They’re right. I’ve been through a lot. I have a right to exist, and to exist in the spaces where I choose to show up. I’m so grateful for this insight.

So, I’m moving forward. I still get cravings to drink every day. I drink flavored carbonated water or kombucha instead. Not the same, but it helps. These cravings (coupled with a lot of life stress at the moment) are a big part of why I felt it important to get a sponsor now. That, and I’m so fed up with trying to talk to people, for a variety of reasons, that I’ve been tempted to isolate and say “fuck everyone”. That’s kinda a dangerous idea right now. I’m grateful my common sense is winning over.

So, I’m moving forward. One day at a time.

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I am an alcoholic

Figured I may as well write this while my inhibitions are low, before I can seriously regret it (and I know I will). I have a problem. I don’t know how to stop. I want to stop. At the same time I don’t. It’s getting worse lately. I was talking to my psychiatrist about it the other day, albeit briefly. While I realize it’s true, I still have a shred of denial. He said, “we’ll have to keep an eye on that, won’t we? You don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot.”.

I know he’s right. I have a 4.0 in school. I’m doing good. But I hate myself. So much hate. I don’t understand why I keep doing this. Jake has been sober for just about four months. He’s trying to get me to do meetings with him. I keep feeling like I’m not that bad. Not as bad as he was. Not as bad as the patients where I used to work. Not as bad as the people in his meetings. But I feel fucking miserable. But I feel like I’m not bad enough to say something is wrong.

But I know something is wrong. I don’t know where to go from here. Or how. But I need help. I’ve been dealing with this for years, But it’s really coming to a head lately. That’s all I’m willing to say,

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