I’ve been debating about writing this for a bit but wasn’t sure I should. I don’t want to be too cocky, or have this come across as a “call out”, etc. But I read something tonight that made me think about where I’ve been and what I used to find acceptable (or at the very least, I would excuse away) and I thought about where I am now and felt grateful.
I used to put up with some shit in my relationships that was downright emotionally abusive. When I called them out on it, the person/people involved would routinely project their shit right back at me to keep the focus and discomfort off of them. I see so many things so clearly now. I saw some things clearly then, too. I remember after a series of painful events with one particular person, I told him that he was taking the coward’s way out. Looking back I see how this applied in so many ways. Only a coward would raise a fist to someone sitting, crying, and trying to talk to them, and later excuse this behavior because they supposedly saw the person in a completely passive position as a threat (which is either a horrible excuse, or the person was delusional). Only a coward would consistently try to silence you. Only a coward would routinely project. Or give the silent treatment, gaslight you, use your insecurities to hurt you, and on and on. I look back at so much shit that I put up with in multiple situations and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I deserved so much better.
It took months for me to really start to let go of my last big heartbreak. This makes me cringe. That relationship was a low point for me. I loved this person so deeply and they were so fickle and hurtful from the start. What the hell was I thinking? I betrayed myself because of what I was willing to put up with and how I excused it away. I can’t believe I gave that person (or the one before) the impression that I thought so little of myself that their games would be acceptable. Sure, this person had some redeeming qualities, but it wasn’t worth being toyed with.
I’ve built some high walls. I’ve prided myself on this, especially with new hurts after my last break up in July. Never really dated anyone after him, though a few came close. More recently I’ve let my guard down again even though I swore I wouldn’t (and yes, it’s been a challenge in a few different ways…I’m grateful for his patience). And what I’ve found here is home in so many ways. This is how things should be. This person doesn’t just say shit, he tries to prove it. I feel like he truly respects me. He sees me. He listens. He’s incredibly honest. I feel safe…not just because of words, but because of actions. I can be vulnerable and it’s okay. I’m okay, and we’re okay. Things are a bit difficult because of distance, but it’s temporary. There is a maturity here that I’ve always wanted to find but was always lacking elsewhere. This person is committed to the same extent that I am. He recognizes that struggles are real, to be expected, but that they can be worked through because we want to and have what it takes.
I’m beside myself with how fortunate I feel. And I feel sad for the person I was and how I didn’t seem to think I deserved better than I had at the time. I recently came across a short poem by Rupi Kaur. I don’t remember the name of it (if it had one) or the exact wording, but I remember her talking about how she thought her last love was basically the be all end all of her life. After she moved on, she acknowledged how sad it was that she had limited herself so much. That’s how I feel now. I’m so, so glad my last relationship ended. Even though I loved him, I wish it had ended sooner…because I loved myself more. It was emotional jail, and it took way too much damage for me to decide it was time to walk away.
Life is moving in a better direction now. I’m optimistic, and I’m so incredibly grateful for this new love. I can’t wait for the future.
Nicole's ramblings 